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| By TVSRR, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=3203463 |
Today, I left work and decided that I needed a few drinks to relax after a tiring day. What follows is… well, I have no idea. Just enjoy.
Rank the top five national pizza chains:
I am going with the assumption that Little Caesars, Dominos, Pizza Hut, Papa Johns, and um let’s say CiCi’s. I cannot vote for trash pizza that says they are a chain but only had locations in Illinois or North Dakota or Wyoming. I do not live in those places so I could care less if your meat lovers is quality or trash. I will consider it trash until you feed me.
Anyway, let’s do it.
5. Dominios: Back in the day, they had the whole $5 one topping before everyone else and I guess it was decent. Even though there is a Dominos that I pass on a daily basis, I always forget that it exists. I once tried their pasta something something and I did not like it. Apparently, cooking pasta and sitting it in a heating tray dries it out. I was not a fan. Last place is a solid position due to the fact that they try too hard to be cool.
4. Papa John’s: There are fewer people in this world that I trust less than Papa of Papa Johns. He just does not seem like the type of guy you want to hang with while drinking. I see him going over a love went wrong story while drunk on peppermint schnapps and depressing me the entire night. Oh yeah, eating Papa Johns pizza just makes me sad, so that is not going to work.
3. Little Caesars: I have so many disappointing childhood memories of going to the dentist and hoping to get some LC before heading back to school. Needless to say, those possible visits turned into not experiencing the square pieces of goodness. Then, they flat out disappeared. Like Quiznos for subs, LC just disappeared and I figured they were gone. Suddenly, they were back with their $5 stuff that is not great but a solid value. I don’t hate Little Caesars, so three makes sense.
2. Cici’s: I am not about to make the argument that they have the best pizza or even better pizza than any others on the list. That would be a wild accusation and almost dangerous to the 11 loyal readers of this site. I would say that I enjoy Cici’s because you can gorge yourself to almost dangerous levels and I once saw someone eat 50+ slices in one sitting. It is almost hypnotizing to see someone consume that level of pizza and not die. Is that medically possible?
1. Pizza Hut: I have no empirical data or reasoning why I prefer PH over the rest of the group. It seems that location and laziness come into play, two of my staples in determining just how successful a business is to me. I may not be a smart man, but I know that my simple tastes allow Pizza Hut to not screw up more than dominate the rest of the list. Congratulations Pizza Hut on winning my mythical pizza chain title.
While not a chain, I do enjoy 321 Pizza in Nashville, Tennessee. If you are in town and like deep dish pizza and wonder what it is like to feel your arteries clog as you eat, you are in luck. Seriously, they make pizza that makes me happy. Here is a free plug. http://www.312pizzaco.com/
The Hierarchy of Canadian Provinces:
13. Manitoba: The Iowa of Canada. Go Hawkeyes!!!!
12. Nunavut: If Montana, the Dakotas, and Wyoming all went in together as a super state.
11. New Brunswick: Are you one of those people that love driving in the Northeast when the leaves change color? Boy, do I have a place for you.
10. Northwest Territories: To me, cold is like 40 degrees. I would not do well in the Arctic wonderland that is the Northwest Territories. I am sure it is beautiful, but me no do cold.
9. Newfoundland and Labrador: Mining and fishing are two of the top products of this province. I think touring abandoned mines is very interesting, don’t judge me.
8. Yukon: Remember the HBO show Deadwood? That is how I picture the Yukon Province in all its glory.
7. Saskatchewan: If I were a CFL fan, I would have no choice than to root for the Rough Riders. This could be the place I one day end up when I decide to become a hermit and disappear.
6. Prince Edward Island: This is the province that I would want to move to but could never afford. It is small but pretty neat. Yes, I will go with neat.
5. Nova Scotia: Shipwrecks and seafood… pretty badass if I do say so myself.
4. Ontario: I don’t like Toronto. There, I said it. I have no reason to feel this way and I have never visited the city, but I don’t like it. That is all.
3. Alberta: I like mountains and all that stuff. Could Alberta be kinda like the Colorado of Canada? I don’t know, maybe. Calgary is there and I love the way Canadians say that word.
2. Quebec: Would you like to speak in French in a country that is dominated by the English language? Do you have more in common with the insanity of outer New Orleans Louisiana than the rest of the mounted nation? I have a place for you.
1. British Columbia:1. British Columbia: I am a fan of the Pacific Northwest and really, isn’t BC basically the Canadian version of the Pacific Northwest? Vancouver is kinda cool and hosted the Winter Olympics so that is cool and the CW basically film everything there for my cameo in season 25 of Supernatural.
Bob Davie:
I wish I could say that I am surprised that New Mexico is looking into Davie. He is an old coach in a young profession that does not even attempt to connect with the youths of America. Sure, drug testing may have been lax and he may have broken a rule or two, but Davie is a symbol of the 80s and early 90s college football coaching in 2017.
That being said, he attempts to make up for being what he is by being a great Xs and Os coach. The other part is an issue.
The struggles of top G5 programs:
It has been a weird start to the season for the elite of the G5.
South Florida has looked like trash in the Charlie Strong era, but those problems can easily be solved. See that Quinton Flowers kid? Just send him out on the field and tell him to make shit happen. More often than not, he will make shit happen.
Western Kentucky has been dreadful on offense in the first two weeks of the season. Is it because of Brohm leaving for Purdue (still why?) or was the writing on the wall for a rough year in 2017 regardless of head coach? I am of the opinion that WKU is in a current identity crisis with a roster suited to run the niche offense of Brohm, but missing the coaches that are best equipped to run the offense. Things will get better this season, but this is not Doughty’s Toppers.
Boise State is um, what the hell Harsin? The Broncos returned Brett Rypien at quarterback and proceeded to kill his confidence and injure him due to an offensive line that looks be new to the sport. Cozart is decent and can run the ball, but I honestly have no idea what the coaching staff is thinking. That being said, I like the Boise State defense.
My ranking of G5 conferences:
5. Sun Belt: They aren’t that far behind everyone else.
4. MAC: Depth is showing and I am considering buying a ticket on the Roback train.
3. Conference USA: I don’t know. I guess CUSA is still pretty good and the UTSA story is nice.
2. Mountain West: I like Boise State, San Diego State, Air Force, and Wyoming so far. Not sure about the rest with Utah State on my radar and Colorado State still looking good despite looking sad when they lost to Colorado.
1. American: USF, UCF, Memphis, Navy, and Houston could all make a case for a spot in the G5 top 10. ECU and UConn could not make a case. P6 baby!!
The Hot Seat Is Hot:
5. David Bailiff, Rice: Beating UTEP does not excuse the wretched direction this program has gone in the last few seasons. It’s hard to believe Rice went 10-4 in 2013. Yes, look it up. It really happened.
4. Scottie Montgomery, ECU: Sure, he was just hired a year ago, but have you met the Pirates fan base? This seems destined to end poorly.
3. Paul Haynes, Kent State: 13-36 as a head coach. I think that is bad.
2. Sean Kugler, UTEP: Rice easily took care of the Miners. Insert sad face here.
1. Tyson Summers, Georgia Southern: The Eagles could have Jamey Chadwell as head coach, but the darkness has spread over the Georgia Southern program like a plague upon the campus.
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